Unnecessary Heartache

Arleigh has recently asked me questions about when I am going to die. She cries and tells me she doesn't want to grow up because when she does that means that I'm going to die. I don't want to lie and say, Oh I'm going to be around forever because that's not true, but I don't want her to worry about something that hopefully won't happen for 50+ years.  I just say, "Oh Arleigh you don't need to worry about it now because I'm going to be around for a long time."  Now, I realize I tell her this, but does it make a difference? Does the reality that most likely I will be around to see her children have children make the fear of losing me any less? I don't know.  I DO know however, that for me, when I'm worried about something it doesn't matter if something is likely to happen, it just matters if it's possible.
This is the situation I find myself in when anything having to do with Hudson and his heart crosses my mind.  I am like Arleigh, worrying, crying, and fearing the unlikely possibilities. However, even though I do understand that it's likely that Hudson has a full life, it doesn't make it any easier to think of him having to go through different surgeries, and the possibility of other issues. I had a conversation this weekend and someone said, "well there's nothing you can do about it, so why worry?" If only it were that simple. If only the thought didn't cross my mind weekly, if not daily, what would I do if I lose you? (in reference to Hudson) or I don't want to have to say Come what may, and I'll love it. I wish that being positive and rational were all that it took to push these thoughts away. Unfortunately, those are not the tools that work when I'm trying to get through my worries. What helps is looking up all possible outcomes, looking at my kids and thinking how grateful I am that I haven't lost them, and thinking about how we made it through once, and we can do it again. My boy is busy, strong, and happy.
I think these things are harder on mother's than the kids because moms have to watch, and kids just move on.  When they start dealing with things at a young age like Hudson has, then the tests and procedures are just another day.  Another day to explore and play.
I know that the Lord watches over us.  I know that he knows EXACTLY who we are.  He knows how to reach us when we won't listen.  He knows our pains, fears, and weaknesses, but he also knows our strengths.  He knows what we can be and knows how to get us there.  Life isn't easy, it isn't fair, and sometimes it SUCKS, but if it was only ever easy and free of tears then we wouldn't have many opportunities to be better and stronger.  It's true that maybe I'm not the most positive of people, but I am a happy person because of the knowledge I have of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the reality of eternal families that we are able to have because our Heavenly Father loves us.